I hate networking even though I know it’s good for my career. I feel like a phony and that I am pressuring my friends. How do I overcome these feelings?

For many, just the thought of the word “networking” brings a bead of sweat to the brow. In order to do it and do it effectively takes scores of professionals out of their comfort zone. But in today’s competitive environment, a strong network is a must. So mitigating this discomfort is an important component of achieving success.

In your quest to be more effective, you’ve already taken the first step in the right direction: Identifying your feelings about networking and acknowledging that they are preventing you from being effective in building valuable professional connections.

In order to overcome…or at least mitigate these feelings I recommend you examine the root cause of them more closely.

Currently, your mind-set in this context is based on four erroneous premises:

1. Everyone in your network has to be your “friend”.

While the criteria should be selective, including a person in your network shouldn’t require the same selectivity as a friendship. In fact, the best networks are a blend of relationships – with a greater number of people who are acquaintances and those you many not know very well. The key is to include people who are relevant to your profession, growth and/or interests. If your bar is too high, knock it down a few pegs and set a goal to add more relevant acquaintances to your network each week.

2. If you ask people in your network for help, you are using them.

Building and maintaining a strong network is a reciprocal endeavor. You give, you get. It’s that simple. And adding value to others should be a key focus. When you employ this approach, asking for what you want has more integrity and will feel more comfortable. It’s a far cry from using someone. So start today and proactively help someone you know.

3. People will feel pressured if you ask them for assistance.

Individuals have the control and power to say “yes” or “no” to anything. Your fear regarding how someone will feel after a request for help should not drive your actions… or non-actions. Professionals are used to networking dynamics so requests for assistance are not foreign. And there are many ways of saying “no” nicely. So if a person does not want to help, there are easy ways to mitigate pressure and preserve the relationship. In addition, how you ask is equally if not more important than what you ask for. Below are a few examples that illustrate this point:

  • Message #1: “Jane, there’s an open position at your company. Will you send my resume to the hiring manager and recommend me for the position?”
  • Message #1A (said a slightly different way): Jane, I noticed an open position in the legal department that I think I could be a good fit for. Would you be willing to pass my resume on to the right person in HR?”
  • Message #2: “Alan, I want to try and get a position at Google. Can you set up a meeting for me with your friend Bob Hill in Legal?”
  • Message #2A (slightly different): “Alan, a career goal of mine is to be part of Google’s legal department. My first step is to build some relationships at the company. So I’m networking with people I know who might be willing to make an introduction to someone there. I remembered from one of our conversations that you knew Bob Hill. Would feel comfortable making a general email introduction?”

 4. If people want to help you, they will do it on their own.

Absolutely, positively and completely…False. Your career is your responsibility – no one else’s. People are way too busy to be expected to help you on their own or even think about your career. It’s simply not a realistic expectation. So if you want the best chance of success, it is crucial to understand this reality and learn to ask for what you want. Creating relationships and communication styles to make it more comfortable for you to do so is the first step.

A network approached with fear and anxiety will be an ineffective resource as you try and build your career. Faulty beliefs dampen confidence and sabotage the ability to create more meaningful and effective relationships. So set these fallacies straight – and you’ll free yourself to build and leverage the network you desire…and need.