I’m angry and fed up – and want to sever the relationship. What do you recommend?

The secret to cultivating and maintaining a high-quality and effective professional network requires a Two-Way Street mentality. They give, you give. They receive, you receive. Everyone wins. Right? Generally speaking…Yes, if the give and take is equitable. But it not always is. Sometimes the sign only points one way. And fueling this singular direction are professionals who take the “Me” approach: How can you help me? What’s in it for me? Who can you introduce me to? How can this benefit me? It’s becoming an increasingly common characteristic as lawyers struggle to survive in this rapidly evolving profession.

So what’s the appropriate way to handle a contact who has asked for one favor too many?

It’s a delicate issue to address: Balancing the desire to preserve one’s own reputation and future opportunity with the desire to end the inequity.

Right now, you’re fed up and angry. So your desire to completely sever this long relationship is fueled by emotion. Not the best state of mind to make concrete decisions or take action. So I recommend that you take a couple days to clear your mind before you act. Once your head is clear, you can determine a solution that is in your best interest. Below is a recommended path of analysis:

1. Reassess The Relationship.

The first thing you need to do is re-examine the relationship and ask yourself the following questions: Why is this person in my network? What is the nature of our relationship? Is this person connected with other professionals in my network who are important to me? Will I cross paths with this person in the future? Is this a person I believe has the capacity to help me in some way? If you determine that there is value in trying to preserve the relationship, you’ll need to redefine it so that you no longer feel taken advantage of and you can ask for…and receive reciprocal consideration.

2. Determine Your Role.

Even though you are feeling violated, it’s important to understand how your behavior could be contributing to your own frustration. It always takes two to tango. So think back: Perhaps you’ve been too reluctant to ask for what you want or need from this contact. Perhaps your contact isn’t aware of your expectations. Perhaps you have not drawn appropriate boundaries for the relationship.

3. Outline Your Approach.

If you feel like you are making yourself available too much: too many lunches, after work drinks, introductions, whatever…Cut back. And don’t feel bad about it. Now is the time to draw new boundaries and manage expectations. Below are some examples of how to say “no”:

• “Hi Sarah, thanks for in the lunch invitation, I would love to get together and catch up but I have been slammed at work and my calendar is booked solid. I look forward to seeing you at the next ABA event!”
• “Hey Alex, thanks for reaching out, it’s great to hear from you. Right now I’ve been heads down at work so I’m holding off on midday lunches for the foreseeable future. When I come up for air, I’ll let you know!”
• “Hi Robin – I’d love to help with an introduction, but unfortunately I can’t be of any assistance right now. Best of luck!”

When you’re ready to reconnect – whether you proactively make the overture or you accept an invitation, make sure you communicate your “ask” as part of the conversation if you have a goal identified.

Examples:

• “Steven, I’m happy to hear things are going well at work. My practice has been growing and I’ve been busy as well. I’m looking to expand my practice and would really like to do business together if the opportunity arises. Would you be open to that?”
• “Robert, I’m trying to build my network and I know that you have some close contacts at Company Z, would you feel comfortable making an introduction or two for me over the next few weeks?”
• “Sarah, I’m currently looking for my next position and have noticed an open position at your company. Would you be willing to forward my resume to the HR executive who is managing the search?”

The hallmark of any good relationship is a healthy balance of give and take. When you experience an inequity, take inventory and take action to either end the relationship or create a new one where the traffic moves in both directions. Either way, you’ll feel good about being more assertive and will become the better professional for it.